When I was expecting my first child, I took 2 weeks off.  Yes, that was just 2 weeks.  I was back to school and back to work because even though I was in a full-time management position, maternity leave was not paid time off, and 2 weeks was all I could afford to take.  For my second child, I was determine to take 6 weeks off, even though only 3 weeks of that time would be paid.  In the 11 months between my 2nd and 3rd child, my company changed its policies, and allowed co-workers to donate sick leave to each other.  My generous co-workers donated 8 paid weeks of leave for me.  It was glorious!

The folks at WhatToExpect.com conducted some research on how parental leave works in the US, and the impact of those limited leave options.  The results are quite startling.  What did you experience as an expectant mom?  Please leave a comment with your story.

Not too long ago I asked my Facebook fans if they were dating.  Of 30 or so responses, only one person said yes.  I was shocked!  You see, I was pretty sure I was the only one.

I had tried it all…dating co-workers, dating friends, dating services, online dating, looking for guys in church, in the grocery store, at kid functions.  I tried imaging, attracting, and aligning my energy. Nothing.  In fact, I spent so much time trying to figure this crap out that some of my first website pages were on the ways to find someone to date, what those ways might cost, and how successful you’re likely to be.

Finally, I just said, “Screw it.”  I decided I had wasted so much darned time on this crap that I was giving up the whole sha-bang.  I figured I  had more to do with my life than mess with boys. (Which…was in fact my father’s advice when I was about 12.  I should have listened.)

Giving up wasn’t hard.  Working, raising kids, and managing a home takes a lot of time.  I didn’t really miss dating, but I wondered if I was alone in my approach.  Turns out…I was pretty text book.

In the video below Dr. John Gray, relationship expert and author of the Mars/Venus series of books and workshops, explains the typical female, and male, response to the pain of ended relationships.  While I’m glad I took the time that I did, and I believe I am stronger and better suited for the kind of relationship I want, it is great to know I am still normal.  As for Dr. Gray’s advice about dating someone I would never consider a long term relationship or having sex with…um…I’ll give it some thought. (However, the Paris part certainly has appeal…)

Boys are people, and people are complicated.  Just like girls, boys need two parents.  Boys need role models.  Examples of what a man should do, be, and look like.

Boys are soft.  Boys don’t like rejection.  They don’t like it from women they love, they suffocate when it’s from fathers they don’t know.   Boys who learn to be men from their mothers, women, get confused.  They get dismissive.  When the lessons are unpleasant, boys chock those lessons up to the misguided confusion of women.  Women who don’t understand men.  Lessons, go unlearned.

So many of us who grew up with two parents spend the rest of our lives trying to get over the experience.  We have issues.  Boys without fathers aspire to have issues.  They aren’t yet where we are.

Sunday, May 5, 2013, 9pm/8central, Oprah is hosting a 2 hour special entitled Oprah’s Lifeclass: Fatherless Sons. This special, with poignant interviews from men missing their fathers, will explore the pain boys and men feel when dad, for whatever reason, moves on.

One of the men Oprah features is Kyle McMahon (pictured). Kyle wrote a song about understanding his absent father, and healing from the pain of that absence.  Kyle is generously giving his song, A Letter 2 My Younger Self,  away for free in the hopes that it will heal others.   It will be available to you here, Monday, May 8, 2013.  You won’t want to miss it.

In the meantime, click here to check out a clip of Oprah’s special.  Kyle is first up.

I truly believe it is men who will rise to address the issue of fatherlessness.  I also believe that as the single mothers of those sons, we play the key supporting role.

Skin cancer is the number one form cancer in the United States. Because skin cancer in common in my family, I sat down with Dr. Rinna Johnson to better understand how to decrease the odds of getting this life threatening disease.  Dr. Johnson shared some fabulous tips and surprising sunscreen information.

Dr. Johnson says:

1. Do not expose children under 12 months of age to direct sunlight. Because of increased allergy risks, sunscreen should not be used. Instead, use protective clothing, umbrellas, hats, awnings, etc.

2. Freckles may be cute, but they indicate children have had more ultraviolet radiation than their skin could genetically process. Freckles are skin’s warning sign that there has been too much sun exposure.

3. Sunscreen only works for 2 hours, even if the label promises all day protection. The sun-protective properties disintegrate after 2 hours, even though you may be able to still smell the sunscreen. You need to reapply, and often.

4. Sunscreen breaks down at high temperatures. Be sure to keep sunscreen on ice when going to the beach, pool, etc. This will preserve the protective properties and feel soothing to the skin when reapplied.

5. The most vulnerable time for sun exposure is between 10am and 4pm, even on cloudy days. Kids participating in or watching sporting events for long periods of time with no sunscreen are exposed to huge doses of cancer causing radiation.  Dr. Johnson doesn’t even allow her kids in the pool during these hours!

6. A blistering sunburn is an unfortunate indicator that skin cancer may be part of your future.  Be sure to ask your doctor to evaluate your skin as part of your annual physical.

Now go soak up that sun (safely)!

Of course you have!  So the other day I was reading my Kashi cereal box (Love the Berry Fruitful) and right there for my cereal box reading enjoyment was a little article called Tasty Tips for Kids.  I thought their tips were indeed tasty, and I wanted to share them with you…along with some tips of my own.

Tip 1:

Don’t ask…just offer.  For sure we live in a time when we want our little ones to be happy, so we ask ALL the time.  What do you want? Do you like this or that?  Etc.  When it comes to eating however; often your best bet is to plop the food in front of them without a word.  Because they are so darn hungry after school, this is a great time to give this approach a try.  (And if you they are going to a daycare instead of home after school, suggest this approach for them as well.)  Kashi suggests having hummus and cut-up veggies, or fruit and a high protein yogurt dipping sauce at the ready.  You can also try hard-boiled egg, cheese, graham crackers with peanutbutter, low sugar granola bars, fruit smoothies, or even…a bowl of cereal!

Tip 2:

Think Presentation. Did you know that restaurants with appealing meal presentations beat out restaurants with better tasting food?  (We are such suckers.)  Kashi suggests arranging foods by color, arrange smiley faces or write your child’s name with their food.  You can use cookie cutters to make Jello Jigglers, or peanut butter sandwiches, and don’t forget the timeless classic…ants on a log!  The goofier the better.

Tip 3:

Be Prepared. Running errands, after school activities, and getting caught in traffic can leave you off guard and hungry.  The result…fast food and vending machines.  Not so good.  Kashi suggest filling bags with cut fruit.  I am the Snack Queen!  Bags of cereal, fruit (bananas, apples, oranges all travel well without needing the bag), Teddy Grahams, peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches, Goldfish crackers, pudding cups, with a little cooler or lunch box you can take Go-gurt (or freeze ahead of time) and cheese, and don’t forget your veggies!  Carrots, celery, and cucumbers are also great choices. And if you DO need to stop…take a few minutes and hit the grocery store or gas station (they often have fruit), instead of the fast food window.

Tip 4:

Ask for Helpers. It’s a known fact that people support that which they help create…and kids are people too!  Kashi says to get them involved and I couldn’t agree more. Have your kids make a list of healthy snacks, bag up the treats, find the items at the grocery store, etc.  You will be amazed how quickly they will catch on to this.  When it’s time to go somewhere just put them in charge of making sure nobody in the family goes hungry and watch them blossom.  You’re also teaching them an important life skill.  Be sure to pack extras.  You will be amazed how many parents are unprepared and end up with hungry, crying kids.  Teaching kids to share, and to feed those in need is a bonus lesson. Bon Appétit!

It is estimated that between 1200 and 1600 babies are shaken each year.  The results are immediate and devastating:

• 25% of shaken babies will die
• 75% of the shaken babies become at risk for severe brain damage
• nearly 60% of shaken babies live their lives with severe disabilities, or die later in life as a result of their injuries
• 55-70% of those who shake are males

It is tough for a new mom; it is tougher for a caregiver.  Caregivers such as boyfriends and babysitters aren’t emotionally attached to the baby. They are just helping out.  They are often simply not prepared for the stress of caring for a baby who won’t stop crying.  As a new mom, it is your job to educate caregivers, and no matter how desperately you want or need to get away, you must assure the child is in good care when you leave.

CHLOE, Inc., a fabulous organization serving young single mothers has provided the tips below to help you and your child’s caregivers get through the rough patches of excessive crying.  Cut these tips out and post them on your fridge, near you baby’s crib, anywhere they might serve as a reminder to you and those caring for your baby.  Stay calm, keep breathing, relax your own body, and run through the tips below.  God bless and good care!

Most people want to minimize risk.  There are risk management positions.  Risk is to be calculated, and then disarmed, mitigated, and otherwise avoided at all costs.

Single moms are often thrust into the jagged arms of risk.  Whether to be left behind to their own devises or thrust forward, Risk is a constant companion.  Which job do you take, how much money can you make, do you leave your sick child behind or take the day off with no pay?  How many groceries do you buy, who do you assign to care for your child?  The list goes on in length and into time.

The challenge is to perch precariously on that teeter-totter of income and time hoping to support and raise children who are desperately clinging to you, both in role as provider and as mother.

Given this, the single mom often clings to employment despite unpleasantries.   Oppression, harassment,  no mobility, boredom, etc., all in the name of making a living and ideally, having a bit of flexibility.  Rocking the boat, and inviting Risk, is avoided at often detrimental costs.

I have been there.  In jobs that demanded my heart and soul and returned insults, sneers, and manipulation.  Jobs that worked me beyond exhaustion and placed far more responsibility on my shoulders than dollars in my pocket.  I vowed, it would never happen again.  And then it did.

After my great work-from-home-job came to an end I found another position right away.  It took exactly 24 hours to realize everyone at the new place was working around the clock.  In 2 weeks, so was I.  Nine, ten, eleven hour days became the norm.  I packed my lunch and it sat on my desk next me, typically uneaten because I was moving so fast to keep up with the work that I had no time to eat.  At this pace, at these hours, I was almost keeping up with the demand.  That is, until the day they gave me someone else’s job in addition to my own.  Now my days were 12 or 13 hours, and I was moving even faster all day long.  I was answering emails while conducting meetings while IM’ing.  I was moving so fast I didn’t even close emails, which eventually caused my whole program to crash.  Faster and faster week after week…until I broke.

Not a splinter, not a crack, a full out wailing, teeth gnashing, bellowing break.  For 2 days. Then I stopped, and I resigned.  In my resignation I explained that by working 50, 60, and more hours of over-time each month I was losing 50, 60, and more hours of parenting time each month.  I explained that I was willing to lose my house, but not my children.

Then the weirdest thing happened.  My co-workers, the ones who had been trying to maintain this schedule and accomplish the impossible said, “I’m proud of you.”  “I respect you.” “You inspire me.” “You have your priorities straight.”

Parents, began to resign.  Yes.  People who had worked at the company a very long time began to walk away.  I don’t have another position, and I am a little nervous about that, but I know I made the right decision for my family, and I am hopeful additional work will come along.  I am thrilled to have returned other mommies to their children, and to provide clarity and inspiration to some exhausted ladies who were working way too hard and way to long.

I absolutely believe we must determine our priorities, and we must live the priorities we have chosen.  If someone looked at your life, would they accurately guess your priorities?

If you are a great student, and you and other great students, choose to attend a particular school, that school gets the title of Great School.  Yep.  You read that right.  A great school is just a school that lots of great students have selected.

I have to confess, when I was selecting colleges for my degrees I never once considered it a priority that the person sitting next to me in class had high SAT scores.  My list looked like this, in no particular order:

• Can I get a good education…will I be prepared for my chosen career?
• Can I afford it?
• Will I like it?
• Are the resources I need available?
• Can I get what I need from my professors?
• Can I get a good job when I graduate?
• Can I get a job on campus?
• Will I have stuff in common with my fellow students?
• Is the food any good?

Now that I am selecting colleges for my children, I still don’t care about the SAT scores of the person in the next seat. And even though 30 years have passed, my kids’ lists look much like mine did decades ago. What also hadn’t changed much in those decades was the definition of a good school.  Until now.

The Alumni Factor A Revolution in College Rankings brings you the information you actually want to know when choosing a college.  Do Carnegie Mellon grads make more than Iowa State grads? Guess what? The majority of grads from both schools make between 100 and 150K.  However, one year at Carnegie Mellon will cost you $57,520.  A year at Iowa State? $18,521.

How many grads are employed? 92.2% of the Iowa State grads are employed, while 91.7% of the Carnegie Mellon grads are employed.  At Iowa State 86% of freshmen stay in school and 70% graduate, while 96% of Carnegie freshmen continue and 86% graduate.

Wonder if you’ll fit in?  Iowa is considered very conservative, 20.5% participate in community service, while 44.6% participate in intramural sports.  On the other hand, Carnegie Mellon is considered somewhat liberal, 26.8% perform community service, and 30% participate in intramural sports.  THIS is the information you want to know when you choose a college or university.

The Alumni Factor highlights the top 177 colleges in the US all in one book, or you can go to their website and purchase reports for individual schools.  If your preferred school isn’t listed, ask the school for this information.  You may not get all the information you desire, but they should be able to tell you something. College is a huge investment of time, energy, and money.  You want your money’s worth, and you want that investment back in proportion to what you put out.  The Alumni Factor approach will revolutionize the way colleges are selected, and will bring capitalism to higher education.  A concept long overdue.

It’s great to know that our feeling of having lost a bit (or most) of our lives is completely normal!  And when it comes to they money…don’t panic! With budgeting, creative thinking, and careful planning, you can raise fabulous kids even if you have no idea how you will come up with all this cash.  Of course I have great tips to get you started on my money pages. Check ‘em out.